Hi all. I haven’t put up a post in a few weeks. Sorry to anyone who follows this blog and enjoys my occasional rant. I have been in several states of mind about many things lately and they’ve all been taking me off my game. Personal issues and growing realisations about many aspects of my life and childhood have dissolved my focus. YouTube continues to be a struggle and source of frustration and almost daily I vacillate between continuing with it or giving it the heave ho.
This indecisiveness and inability to properly process any defeat (no matter how trivial) makes me realise that life has damaged me a lot more than I ever realised. As a man I’ve been guided down the path of disregarding these things, but I do see that I think I’ve seen a little bit more catastrophe in my life than I’ve realised and it’s left it’s mark.
It isn’t just the channel. I realised the other day whilst driving to work that one thing both of my parents failed miserably at was bolstering myself and my siblings. Dad was better at it than Mum, but the one lease on that really stuck with me was the ability to easily accept defeat and be comfortable with a deeply sub par life.
My second wife has been instrumental in helping me see these things. She has fought tooth and nail, and has given her blood and guts (literally) to be there for me. Far more than any before her she has been steadfast and worked on bolstering me. With her help and perhaps a bit of therapy I can actually be what I’m supposed to be. I’ll make the channel work, but if it doesn’t who cares? Life’s too short to agonise about things that at the end of the day just don’t matter.